It's been 4 years since the dreadful day when my mother suddenly passed away.

Though she was unwell, it was a shock her passing away.

She went to take a nap in the afternoon perfectly good, and never woke up.

I have tried to process this loss for last 4 years but still feel clueless about how to handle my grief, sorrow , pain, dejection, despondance, in short this gloomy sadness which keeps on enveloping me.

When I got a call saying my mother was in some problem, I rushed and the next few hours were a blip

Didn't realise or know what was happening.

Everyone around me kept talking about some body which I couldn't connect and was practically in a zombie state.
So many people coming, going, offering sympathies, weeping, wailing, moaning.
Few like my son accepted it with a stoic face and strong about it.
Few of my friends broke down and I had to be strong for them.

The easiest phase of grief handling is when it first hits you, as you are constantly around your loved ones and you have lot of things which keep you engaged and occupied ..
I guess it sort of keeps you going
Maybe grief and the numbness which follows feels bearable as initially it is shared .

Grief inside your heart and mind and only yours to experience is when it becomes unbearable .

Anyway I am digressing.

After a month or two the vacuum hit me.

In my case my Aai was so much a part of my life, my house .

For few days I couldn't seem to find anything I'm own kitchen or wardrobe.

When I couldn't find a spoon or some of my clothes, I automatically without thinking would pick up my phone to call her and ask her in my impatient style why the hell has she changed my salwar cupboard and now I can't find my silk blue palazoo.

That very moment the reality would hit me and my impatience would be replaced with tears in my eyes.

And I would regret the no of times I called her and was rude or abrupt to her.

And now I had to not only search for that blue garment but would be hit by a mixed sinking feeling of guilt, remorse, raw pain ,and such deep loss that it felt like I had hit pit bottom.

But no amount of guilt or regret is going to get you back what you have lost.
The permanence of the loss is what pulls you down as it makes you feel hopeless.

When her first Remembrance day ( Felt so strange to even articulate it) came , a part of me was very fearful that I have been able to get on my life without her presence for full one year and the other half was in a state of utter sorrow still unable to comprehend the loss I had suffered a year back.

1 year has now turned to 4.

But I still am wallowing in my grief which feels a bit strange to me.

On the periphery, I am cool, calm, composed, laughing, eating, sleeping, running, going out, enjoying life in short.

Then why is it that I have not been able to get over my mother loss and take a grip on my grief..

Whenever I voice this , the most common response is parents never leave us, they keep blessing us and be a part of our lives.

Is this true but?
My mother is not with me and this is a reality check for me.

It is said time is the best healer
I doubt it

In my case as the time passes, the grief seems more real as the reality keeps sinking that the loss is permanent.

Everyone born has to leave their loved ones and this is a way of nature.
Then why do we humans create such a bond with parents, children, partners, friends that death of someone beloved throws us out of gear ?

I seem to be struggling particularly.

My father passed away some 30 years ago, I never saw him as I learnt about his demise after 3 days .
I would for many years never address him in past tense, and if someone did would become hysterical.
So the secret code in my house for many years was never to refer to my father in past tense in front of me.
Gradually maybe I accepted that my father is no more.

After losing my mother , I felt orphaned and the pain of not having parents was much more difficult to surmount.

Time never heals the pain ,grief, misery , gloom , distress and sorrow

It is like a lodestone attached to your neck which you carry around.
Life goes on
New lives are incubated
But loved ones lost never come back and the void created by their fond absence is never made up.